That Guy 33
At this very second, I can guarantee you that there are thousands of women in Kampala staring at their phones begging, pleading and praying to Jesus, Allah and Jah for it to ring. Your phone will ring but it will probably be your grandmother looking for your annoying aunt, or your annoying aunt telling you that in the event that your grandmother calls, you should tell her that she is out of the country, indefinitely.
We’ve read the book, we’ve seen the movie, and we still don’t get it. We are still waiting around for that guy to awaken from his trance and realise that he would die without our love and be doomed if your uterus was not available to bring his children into the world.
The last time I walked down Jinja Road, I didn’t see Will Smith saving the world from aliens and I definitely didn’t see Angelina Jolie gathering all the street children. This isn’t Hollywood, 99.9% of the time there are no happy endings with that guy.
We’ve all been there; we know who that guy is. We know how it ends: That guy will still be that guy and you’ll be that girl that never got it.
We’ve asked friends and residents of MatookeNation for their take on who that guy is…we have a feeling the list won’t stop at #9!
He’s That Guy:
- If you are the one who is always calling him, even if you are calling on Pakalast, he’s that guy. (Maria, Wandegeya)
- If you have bought him everything from a personalised Cranes football jersey to platinum tickets to the R.Kelly concert and he has never so much as offered you half of his last orbit, he’s that guy. (Sandra, Nnalya)
- If the heavens open up and that wonderful moment arrives when your phone rings and it’s him and within 30 seconds he always needs a favour, he’s that guy. (Nnandi, Kololo)
- If all his friends happen to work abroad, all of his family lives in the village and you only hang out in remote kafundas after dark, he’s that guy. (Cindy, Ntinda)
- If he says he has never seen your hi5, twitter, gchat, facebook, buzz, msn and yahoo invite, he’s that guy. (Grace, Ntinda)
- If he replies the three page flowery text that took you and two friends 45 minutes to compose with ‘k’, he’s that guy. (Tesi, Kigali)
- If the cute girl in a short skirt sitting in his lap in his profile picture isn’t you, he’s that guy. (Fiona, Bugolobi)
- If his friends call him ‘Big G’ and he doesn’t think it’s necessary for you to know his real name, he’s that guy. (Pesh, Bugolobi)
- If he hails you a boda at 4am because he’s too tired to drive to Ntinda, but has packed his car full of his friends heading to Bukoto, Wandegeya and Nsambya, he’s that guy. (Halima, Ntinda)
10. If he tilts his phone when he’s texting and answers phone calls in the corridor, he’s that guy!
If he’s texts only come through after 1.00 am, he’s that guy
12. If he is strangely close to his ‘cousin’ and spends a lot of alone time with her, he’s that guy!
13. If he made you hide (naked!) in the wardrobe for 3 hours when his friends suddenly show up on a saturday morning, he’s that guy!
14. If he tells you that you are the world before you go tHeRe and won’t so much as call you the next day, he’s that guy!
15. If its been been more than three days and he hasn’t called…he’s that guy!
16. if you’ve been dating for FOUR years and you’ve never met his mom AND he’s a mama’s boy, then he’s that guy!
17.If his name is DERICK MUBIRU and he goes to MUBS, he’s that guy!
17. If he only goes out with u wen u pay,he’s that guy!
18. When he never buys u anything and you biy him gifts and you’ve benn together for 2 years AND he spends about 500K on himself on the weekends! He’s that guy
19. if you are supplementing his expensive lifestyle and he doesn’t have or plan on getting a job, he’s that guy!
20. if you have a sneaking suspicion that he might be MARRIED, he’s that guy!
21. If he only shows any sort of “concern” everywhere except at home, he’s that guy
22.if hes looking at his MALE friends in special way hes that gay!
23. If you are at a bar and he asks you what kind of SODA you want. He’s that guy!
24. If you are on the pill and he has condoms all over the place, he is THAT GUY!
if he ws always’just dancing with her’ even tho they were so connected you would have to saw them apart, then he is that guy
26. If he’s out until 6am on the regular and doesn’t think its appropriate for you to be out after 8pm, then he’s definitely that guy!
if u bail his ass out of jail after a drunk-driving arrest and he’s out again the next weekend, drinking and driving, he’s that guy
27. If he tells you over and over he wants your friends to think he’s the best boyfriend ever!!
If he’s reading this and commenting so he doesn’ get caught, he’s that guy!
29. if he has 4 lines and you only know 1… hes that guy
30. If he tells you he’s not like other guys, he’s that guy
31. If he won’t hold you bags while you are shopping he is that guy!
if he takes you out for a movie and lunch, and he says “kyendyaaa kyoolya”…. and he orders for the cheapest thing on the menu…….ontop of that he goes on to say that if he has bought me lunch he cant buy me popcorn at the cinema… that is most definately THAT GUY
32. If he’s pushing 40 and he still lives in a single bed in his mamma’s house – he’s THAT GUY!
33. if he doesn’t work and only depends on money from his rich folks, then he’s that guy.
If he will dump you on the 11th of June and ask you out again on the 11 of july…I’m that guy!
34. if he takes advantage of the fact that you like him.
(and you only realise how stupid you were many years later). Atleast you realise.
if its ok for you to hang out with your other male friends every weekend…….he’s that guy
If you go out to dinner with him and when you are done, he asks you to go ahead of him as if he has something to hide
If after a lifetime of dating and making plans of living together for the rest of your lives, he comes and tells you how he is starting to “like” this ka chic at work called Sandra and yet he is still on love with you.
if he tells you how special you are and how much he wants to be with you but never has time to see you
if his idea of a date is you getting a taxi in the middle of the night to some random place to go and see him
if he promises you the world but can only deliver a grain of sand.
if he tells you he doesn’t want you to go out because he wants people to respect you.
if you catch him cheating and its not what it looks like because she is his “36 year old over-weight cousin”
if he deletes all the call logs and smses on his phone.
if he has a small d!*k but talks likes he is hung like a horse.
if he is so insecure he telle his friends not to talk to you and threatens anyone else, including your girlfriends.
if its always your fault when he messes up.